Did it Get Everywhere ??#

Not that kind of egg silly !! No no no, we’re talking about TRANSGENDER eggs 🥚.

What ??#

An “egg”, in the context of transgender, is a term used to describe someone who is in a stage of denial. They’ve most likely seen something, someone, or had some other kind of experience which has made them feel something that typically does not align with their gender. This experience starts firing off many signals in their brain that the brain doesn’t want to deal with for whatever reason, so it shields up rapidly and cocoons itself in a solid shell.

And real quick, I don’t believe in any sort of binary “mans’ stuff” and “girls’ stuff”, “boys like blue and girls like pink” or anything like that. Like what you like, don’t try and conform to bigoted views and stereotypes. Why can’t men wear makeup if it makes them feel pretty and more confident? Why can’t women like cars and guns if it gives them an adrenaline rush? The world would be so much happier, so much more liberating, if we completely tore apart our labelling, digital, integral societal views. Unfortunately, that sort of society doesn’t exist and will most likely never exist in true form, for trans people to exist these labels need to exist too, otherwise what’s their to transition between?

It would be amazing if, beside biological differences which is what can attract people to undergo a medical transition, there is no such thing as gender, a person’s body is just a person’s body, a blank slate, an empty canvas waiting to receive a masterpiece carefully crafter by it’s owner.

And finally, if the term “egg” at all causes offence to you, I deeply apologize, please don’t continue reading. You’re amazing, you’re valid, and you are loved.

My Eggstory#

It’s quite funny in retrospect looking back upon my adolescence, around that age I started to get intense gender-envy of girls. Their clothing choices, makeup, hair, perfumes, etc. Just the choices they had over men at the time.

I came to accept rather quickly that if I was to be born again, or presented with the choice to become a biological cis woman, I would. I was, at most, 14 years old at this point.

Then there was this BIG gap between then and now, as of writing this post I’m 17, exactly a month away from 18.

During that gap, I grew more-or-less into a stereotypical boy. I didn’t really like “boy things”, again I don’t believe that whole concept but I digress, you know like sports, cars, violence ?? Boisterous activities or anything like that. I much preferred to stay inside, cozy, comfy, snuggled up in a fluffy blanket, clean, calm and totally cis 😉.

Then I turned 16, and something switched, it was like my testosterone got activated for the first time ever. Over the next few months I rapidly changed, hit the gym, lost weight, got leaner, shaved my head, and embraced masculinity quite a lot. I wasn’t toxic don’t get me wrong, but I just became a man I guess ?? It was like all this testosterone that I was missing got delivered in one big shot. I pivoted my career path from software development to engineering, attended college doing a BTEC, and even briefly underwent training with the RAF (Royal Air Force).

Again, not saying women can’t do these things, they absolutely can and I commend them for it because of the environment for them that these topics foster. But typically these are very male-dominated areas. In my whole college for example, I could count on two hands the amount of women there (this was a building of hundreds).

It was that RAF training that snapped me out of it.

I left the training 3-weeks in, and uprooted my whole life plans to go back to my original aspirations. This is where I’m at now, at the present. I’m hoping to pursue a career in video game narrative design.

Before RAF training I had started questioning my gender, so that testosterone injection had definitely began to wear off. It all started as a joke, it always does.

I bought thigh-highs and a skater skirt to wear as some lighthearted humor for some friends. Since I’m quite a stocky build, it was like Shrek wearing a fluffy tutu.

Despite how I looked, I felt something wearing all this. Something overpowering. Like I had experience joy for the first time. I felt more like me than I’d ever felt. Let’s say it didn’t stop there.

More clothes, more nights spent in my room, a bit of eyeliner here and there, some interesting photos and karma-farming on Reddit. Plenty of creepy DMs later…

It all had to stop.

Remember that air force that you applied for? Guess what, time for training !! Pack your bags let’s go, the most grueling and mentally challenging time of your life awaits…

I was alright for the first week, I missed cross-dressing, but I had so much other stuff going on I barely had time to think about it all. I actually really enjoyed training for the first week, but as the course progressed and we were left more and more to rely on each other to build that teamwork, the brainworms came back.

I started doing whatever I can to get back to my true self while in training, I got a pair of ankle socks that I wore every night, I listened to SO MUCH Taylor Swift (I think I know the lyrics to all her songs now) and sang along, I crossed my legs and adjusted my overall countenance. When on parade, I would practice raising my larynx when calling out timings for drill movements. This all helped, but it wasn’t enough.

I couldn’t shave, not because they didn’t allow men to shave their bodies, but just because I didn’t have the facilities to do so. The base I was on was a hundred years old at least (RAF Halton) and had most of it’s funding cut, so the showers were awful, sinks too small, and time too valuable to spend an hour in the shower. My leg hair grew out back to what it used to be, my arm hair I hadn’t ever shaved yet so that was still thick, chest and torso hair creeping it’s way back. And I had to keep my head hair short and buzzed as that’s all I had the skills to do.

I bought feminine skincare products, deodorant, and a nail care kit to do everything I possibly could to get rid of these brainworms, or to at least make them manageable for the next 10 weeks (duration of my course I had left).

It wasn’t enough.

Every morning I would wake up with a worse view of myself than I did the day before, I began disassociating in the mirror, and this had an impact on my performance with training which caused me even more stress.

I was under attestation at this point still, about 5 days left, so I wasn’t able to withdraw from training immediately. I spoke to Welfare and Support on-base about it, and they suggested I go to the medical center and get sick leave on mental health grounds, until my attestation was over, then come back and VW (voluntarily withdraw) from training.

That’s exactly what I did.

Moment I got home, I spent probably 2 hours in the bathroom fixing myself, and very almost began HRT (I was about to pay and sign up to GenderGP, I was on the checkout page). I decided against rushing into anything, as I now have A LOT of stuff to sort out. It’s around the 20th August as of writing this post, so I have to be ON IT if I want an educational placement this September. I’ve applied to a clearance position on a University course despite not meeting the UCAS tariff points requirement, I do hold a Level 3 qualification though and my personal statement is pretty tight so fingers crossed. And I also have an application with my old college.

Once all this is sorted out, probably October - November time, I’ll be starting HRT. I plan on coming out to my family over the next few days. This is going to be tough for them, so much has happened in the past 72 hours.

So that’s how my egg cracked, pretty bombastically. I should’ve caught the signs way back when I was 14, I could’ve had a pre-puberty transition 😭. Too bad, no point looking back. While I don’t believe in a God or higher power, I do believe in fate, faith and destiny, and that as long as we do what is right by us, we’ll be alright in this life. It just wasn’t my time back then, but it is now. Perhaps my engineering blip was a wake-up call? A big prank to get me to realize it all, to snap me out of it, to remove the wool from my eyes. Destiny presented me a red and blue pill, showed me the Matrix, and now I know Kung-Fu…