Preface#

This is my second attempt at writing this post, hopefully I can get it across this time.

What’s Happening…#

I’ve come out to my family about my transition.

My DIY estrogen was delivered a while ago, and shortly after my syringes etc from a medical center. My mother withheld these since I put the name “Hailey” on them.

Big fights, lots of shouting, falling out, home life crumbling, things aren’t good right now.

My dysphoria is well and truly here, I wasn’t sure on if I was trans or not but the pure child-like excitement I got when I thought I was going to be able to start HRT, and having that ripped away from me… It’s made me certain that this is the path for me, every day I’m hating myself more and more, the slightest stubble, or my deep voice, or my bulky build, I hate it, I feel trapped.

I’ve realised that my whole family has internal transphobia in each and every one of them, I’ve heard quotes like:

• “How can someone love a half-man half-woman?”
• “Gender is just chromosomes end of the day, X or Y, man or woman.”
• “You’re born one of the two, and that’s that.”
• “You’re lost, confused, this isn’t you.”
• “I want my son back.”

Just to name a few.

I don’t think I’d be here right now if not for my partner, she is incredible, she is so supportive in every way you could possibly imagine. She’s the reason I keep going to be honest, because I want our life, I don’t really give a shit about my life, but I want her to have me in her life, and I want to be here for my future children.

Thankfully college is going pretty well, and I’m being as open with them about it all as I can be. College takes me out the house for most of the day, which helps calm me down.

So yeah, going pretty shit, not sure if I’ll have any family left in the next few years, but I’ll always have my partner I know, that’s enough for me.

Other News !!#

College is great! T-Level in Software Development, we’re using Python which is alright for me since I want to go into DevOps since I really enjoy networking and the cloud etc. I can’t just program, I get bored of that pretty quickly.

I’ve started working my way through AWS’ Cloud Practitioner courses, and also just teaching myself the platform.

Closing Thoughts#

Aware it’s been a while since my last update, and I’m also aware that this post probably reads very differently from my usual, I’m just going through a lot of stuff right now. But I’ll be alright :)

As always, thank you so much for reading, you are amazing, Hailey